TRAINING. =) HAHA. =)) Training FINALLY. Argh, it feels so good to be on court once again after a long rest. I thought I will be disappointed, but I was surprised a few times. Hee, went school early, they had o lvls, wonderful, we can't get our rackets. Almost the whole team left their equipments in their lockers, there were no more alternatives. We went to the staff room and called miss tan out, and she booked the gym for us. HUH. no playing on court?! 1 2 3 aww. Then we wanted to train after the o lvls, went back to staff room again. Wow, 10am - 10.30am is their break. Our chance, can't miss it, or it's over. Did gym work until 10. Was entertained by grace singing. I can't deny that her vocals are powerful. NICE. =))

10 am. It's our chance. We ran to the hall, it wasn't over yet. They were still collecting the papers. Time is going, the clock is ticking. If we can't get in now, we've gotta get it at 12.30am. CRAZY. I was hoping they would end soon, the rest of the sec 3s were out. What about them?! argh. 10.21am. finally. no one dared go in. Grace the brave, she lead. wow, the aircon was indeed cold, some even had their jackets on. We were like in a maze. Crossing over tables and chairs. We took our things and were shoo-ed by the teachers. HA, at least we made it.

OH YES. Training on court, I changed into my shoes. BUT. the aircon hall was locked. OH MY, is it destined that I couldn't play today? All were disappointed, but we never gave up hope. Isabel was pissed, and Phildia and Sue-ean went to get the keys from the General Office. Meanwhile, me, brenda, pandora and chi koong played on the carpark. LOL. funny thing. was fun. and we played for a while before they came with the keys! =)) We settled down and stroke. Then followed on by the items coach had given us. Gosh, my stomach was growling like _____. My mind was filled with food. Practically the whole team didn't had their breakfast and were dying. Finally, we had our break. Went to canteen and got pau, lalala, we were cracking jokes and making fun of brenda and her perfect english. =))

Yeah, after training I saw her. or did I? Whatever, I wasn't suppose to be affected LA. Me and Pan were hogging the water cooler. and brenda was our victim of the day. =) Had lots of fun with them. Then had to come the heartbreaking part. They came, and I wanted to just talk to them. I shouted from on top. And I had to see that pair of eyes. =(( I didn't like it. and I didn't like any moment then. Only there after made me forget everything. 3 chio bu and 3 chou ba guai. HAHA.

Went libraby after that. LOL. Left bubble tea shop at 3.30pm. Reached food court at 4.13pm. waited there until 4.30pm for we could not decide if we wanted to eat. Bought dumpling soup in the end. And we left for the library. Pan was scaring me with the pictures in the book. PLEASE, it wasn't scary okay, it was just frightening. I'm gonna have night mare soon. okay, I don't see any point writing all what that happen today, so I'm not gonna continue, there's more to write duh, but I guess it'll just remain as memory in my heart.

"I seriously don't like the way you look at me. It seemed like we were long time enemies and you can't wait to kill me. Please, I just didn't shout your name out, but I don't think I deserve this treatment. In any way, I'm sorry."  ¶ 7:16 PM 0 Comments

  - It's getting brighter. ARGH. A new day. It was saturday yesterday. I've got the chance, but it slipped past me. I'm so regretting it now. It's over. But I just can't get it off my head. I've disappointed so many people that placed high hopes on me, most importantly, I've disappointed myself. I don't know how to face the world I don't wanna face the people. I don't like the glares, I don't like the stares.

"Look at me one more time and your eyes are in to the bin"

I feel so loved yet unloved in this world. Why is there hatred? FUCK IT. I chose this path and I know this is what I'm gonna get, yet, I still chose it. What's with me? I love challenges. Sure do, they're cool. Who am I to blame? Me, clever dude. You brought this upon yourself.

No0OoOoO0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0ooo0

LOL, I just wanna stress out. I can't wait for training. I wanna vent it out. VENT IT ALL OUT. Holidays can't solve problems, it make them worst. I just realised. And I'm hating it alot. argh argh. 2oo6 why don't you come faster? maybe everybody will forget their troubles. It's gonna be a new year. A new beginning for all. and most importanty. A new chance.  ¶ 10:04 AM 0 Comments

  I'm still bored. Holidays, anyone has any plans for them? I think mine will be just as boring as normal days. No, I don't want that. There'll be trainings of course. =)) But it's only 1 3 5. How i wish it'll be more and longer. Now I'm rotting, tmr too. Monday, YES, I'm looking forward to training! But it'll end at 12 plus and my poor day, ARGH. Kk, I'm planning my days, not so dumb to waste this holiday rotting at home and using com, watching tv. Chalet anyone? Beach anyone? Bowling anyone? Shopping anyone? Just let me do anything to kill time. I wanna study! Still in the studying mood. How I wish, I could choose the time when I wanna study and the time I wanna rest. That'll be better, my pace, people follow. lalala, that's stupid. okay.

GET ME WELL AND DONE. I want no more illness in me! 2oo5 SUCKS. I want it over soon. 2 more months, I can't wait. 2oo6 sounds better, and i believe it'll be better. =)) This year just pass so quickly. This year just suck so much. This year just wasted so much of my money on MEDICAL BILLS. I want myself well and over with all illness. GET OUT. lalala.  ¶ 6:56 PM 0 Comments

  hello hello =)) last day of school today. didn't really care, it didn't felt like it at all. I went back, HA, as heart warming as ever. =)) We were crapping like crazy already in class when i first reached. Whatever 164 club. LOL. someone PULLED the number down lar, can't help it. But, i believe she'll grow. haha. Went hall for prize giving during assembly, the air con was cold at first, but it began to be okay after i went in. Ya, so there was a prize giving ceremony. BUT there wasn't a prize for ME. I BET the made a mistake. ARGH. There's always a next year well. Quite boring because pupils from sports class getting the prizes aren't really alot. But when it reached the time for sports class, it was a memorable one. One whole list, just from sports class, cheering marathon, the hall was filled with our cheers for THAT moment. Laughed and play like siao. After that was quite boring already, my mind wasn't with them anymore. I was hoping it to end quick, and it did. Back to class.

First, I had my lockers to clear. LOL, pandora did not finish clearing her locker so well, she and I practically clear it again. I brought mine home while she put it in the badminton locker. Slacker. lol. Spent quite long at that section, and i was having fun if i didn't remembered wrongly. After that when we came back to class, i decided to help out. There tables and chairs were done so well. WALLS. haha, me, Jo and raymond at first. Then wenjia and alicia followed up. Pandora came next. And you see a bunch of idiots wiping the wall. We sang and I practically ruin the whole song due to my sexy voice. LOL. But that was the fun of it. We sang alot alot alot of songs, and were singing to individuals too. Then we got bored. BRENDA! =)) We lied and Jo came up with the idea of saying she calculated my marks wrongly and all those. We acted alot, and we did it. Acting skills were pure great. Impromtu the best. =) Should join some acting club or whatever shit soon. hahaha, she believed in the first part and cried. Lol, so we decided to tell her that we were playing. lol. The whole process was nice and no one ruin it. =)

After that I was suppose to go home, cause i wasn't even suppose to be out in the first place. But I didn't. Went out with 4 of them, pandora had training. Watched flight plan. Nice show, but abit too long. and the cinema wasn't comfortable. lol. Walked around the mall and gosh, my leg was hurting me. Sat down and eat. LALALA. today was just fun. I enjoy it alot although it ended like kinda quickly. I MISS TRAINING LIKE F___ . I wanna train. like others. I get so tempted seeing them prepare for training. I wanna be with them. Be like them. TRAIN. I can't afford to slack. it's holidays, which means INTENSE training. i'll miss out alot if i'm not gonna attend. ARGH. LOST LOST LOST LOST. CONFUSE CONFUSED CONFUSED. anything. my body doesn't allow me to train. DAM. my show come le, i'll talk more soon. =)) byebye  ¶ 7:04 PM 0 Comments

  BORED geee.. being at home was suppose to rock. But now somehow it seemed so boring. Maybe to be at home ALONE don't rock, i stare at the com, it stare back at me. Ha, woke up 9.33 am. So late, late for my medicine. But my mum didn't wake me up, and i didn't wake up. It's 10.26am already yet i still haven't done a thing. WHERE'S MY MEDICINE?! I'M DYING!! lol. No really any one online. So boring. I'm rotting at home, I'm making my way to school tomorrow if this goes on. Please, I wanna go!!!

This is getting ridiculous. But I'm bored. Still waiting for my 7.30pm to come. Yikes. So long more. Anyone play with me?! I'm really gonna die here alone. I missed school for so long, it's time for me to go back!! I didn't know I'll miss school so much, maybe not the school, but my friends!! =(( booooo.. haven't seen them for so long, Jo was the last one in my class i saw. Graci was the last one in my school i saw. JOSEPHINE, LOUISA, ALICIA, WENJIA, LEEYING, PANDORA, BRENDA, AND MORE. Please let me see them once more.

Friends sick. Natalia came to visit me yesterday. Brought chocolates, lol, ferrero roche. So tempting. And a card. Real glad to see her. Her smile brighten up my DULL day. Ruben came too, but he didn't really say much, I've got nothing much to say to him either well. Don't know why. He and his band gave me a rose, and he said there was a meaning to it. What is that meaning? lol.

Okay okay, i'm crapping my way through anyway, don't bother to read. But i know you've read so far, so just carry on, it's a few more lines to the end. yupp, anyway, i just wanna let you guys know that i really cherished you guys alot and i love you all! =)) Hoping to be in the same class again next year. and following on.  ¶ 1:42 AM 2 Comments

  troubles seemed to be gone for a moment These few days when I've been sick, it's really quite stress-less. I was only thinking about my sickness. The rest were all at the back of my mind, or rather, off my mind. I wasn't thinking about it, and well, I'm thinking if I'm gonna fight it again, will I fall down or win the battle. I've been thinking about these since morning. How can I live my life? How can I ignore things that people say? If I could let things go, probably I wouldn't be stuck now. This world MAKES us decide. and I'm deciding. I've regretted alot of times, and I don't like the feeling of it. This time, it's gonna be a right desicion, both must be at gain. No matter what, it must be a win win situation. But how am I gonna achieve that? It's a difficult task, and I've gotta know that the fall, it's gonna be great. But the finishing of it, will be more than what words can express. There's a great risk, either you win with glory, or you fall with shame.

But now, I can't even remember my troubles I used to have last time. They seemed to vanish into thin air. I din't have the courage to read my past post as I din't wanted to bring back my troubles. Call me avoiding, i might be, but only for now. I promise I'll settle. But what are they that I've gotta settle. Sometimes, I just don't know how to settle, i've lost the skill to communicate. The skills to express, the skills to console. Just seemed to lose everything. It seemed so hollow inside me. Such a big built, but what contain inside are nothing but air. Quite disappointing yeah? I think so too.

I wanna be like last time. I don't like life now. Not a single bit of it. I want to see myself smile again from deep within me. I don't like to toture myself. I don't like the way I live my life. I don't like fake me. Plastic covering, stupid feelings, NO, GO AWAY, GET OUT OF MY LIFE. I've been in mid air so long, I've learnt that no one will pick you up. You've gotta get your ass off your destination, to the place you longed for, YOURSELF. I was tired, I rested, now, I'm setting off. Aren't really happy with my results. And I think next year, is gonna be my year. I visuallised myself being the top few in class, I will get there. There are other things I wanna accomplished by next year. And, I hope nothing stops me. I will fight against those who stops me, and you'll see the real me. I'll show you what's power, what's real match, what's winner.

Setting goals for myself again seemed nice and refreshing. It seemed like a whole beginning. The year has come and passed very quickly, and I don't wanna miss out on anymore other things I've missed this year. I'll be sec2 next year, i've gotta grow with my body. I control my mind, not it control me. I've thrown the plastic covering that has been covering and implicating me for months. I'm back. The new old me. Back, a girl that knows how to settle problems, and will stand up after falling, not give up after failing.

Of course, I'll settle my problems first. FIRST obstacles. Who cares the time I take to solve it, as long as i does, it don't matter. Tomorrow. Tomorrow when I go back to school, memory will flood my mind. It'll bring back sorrow and joy, troubles and happiness. I'll remember the troubles I have again. I only have 1 day to get everything rememebered then solve it during the holidays. No more time to waste. I will. I look forward. The me, I'm inviting God back to my life. The period when I was sick. He never fails to take care of me. Although I get disappointed that He may not do what i asked, I know it was for something. To train something out of me. I've been enlightened by myself. Somehow as I think with a clear mind, I manage to think better. I don't want this joy to fade away. I don't want to be overwhelmed with sorrow and hate again. smile. that's me.  ¶ 3:20 PM 0 Comments

  o0o la la I'm back. The hospital was quite a nice place. I was isolated; I had no idea why. Probably they were afraid that I might pass the virus on. But well, hospital has virus already. No difference. I opened the door, behind it awaits a nice room. Such sweet decorations, such home-feeling. Bed was cool, funitures were of just correct size and types. Ha, it was the place I'm spending my days in. =) My mum unpacked my stuffs while i rested. Doctors and nurses came in every interval to check on me. My temperature went up and down. I felt good and bad. Pills was practically given every 4 hourly for my fever. I dislike it, but i knew i couldn't avoid it. Took it, threw it in my mouth, swallow it. I wished. I was still a beginner in eating pills, but i did not take really that long. Doctor come in and gave me a blood test(3rd one) and an injection. The pain was just ouch, yet, bearable. i gave a few screams, and it was over. Injection, what a thing to do.

Nurses came to give me food, checked on my temperature periodically and all. They were nice. Sometimes they'll just talk to me or join me in my tv show when they come in to check on me. Mum stayed over with me the first night for i was afraid that my temperature would go up during mid night. It always does, and i'll feel terribly. I'll feel worst without her. So she was there, all was fined except 7.45pm when my temperature decided to go up. She sponged me until 8.30pm. Phew. Following on that night slept soundly except waking up for a few times by 20+ coughs. Mum went back after that, wow, alot of nurses and cleaners asked about her. I was alone for that day. Flipped through channels, stared out of the windows out to the tall buildings, cars movings, ponds, people walking, my mood felt better. That night, i spent it all alone. Somehow, there wasn't any fear. I fell dead on bed. Woke up a few times but I slept back.

Next day. woke up. 6.30am. wanted to sleep back but keep having bad thoughts. nightmare about to begin, i din't dare to sleep back. laze around on bed until 7.30am when i washed up and waited for the doctor to come. The nurse had to come first with PILLS and breakfast. yucks. the pills were as big as a normal size thumb and it stinked alot. once it's in your mouth, the smell will always be in. ate it and my breakfast. Yes. the doctors!!! =)) They checked on me and said that i was recovering and could be discharged. But i'll have to stay at home and rest. I called my mum and she came at 10am, yet, we went back at 12.20am. my mc last till the end of this month. That means, i won't be going to school at all. That means I can't see my friends for the last time of the year. Next time, when I see them again, will they grow taller? will they grow fatter? will they change? There's so much to wait for.

Haha, i might be going, i might not be going. Depends on my mother. The nurse say i cannot be with a group of people, why? I'll be short of breath. ?! ?!??!? No logic. Like others will take my air up. lol. But friday we're getting our report cards back. I don't know if I'm going. I'm still hoping. And i hoped that my illness will recover soon! =))  ¶ 3:16 PM 0 Comments

  SICK my temperature aren't going down. it's still remaining at 39plus. i'm scared. it's torturing me. and i don't like it. it don't rock please. the pills, they're hard, and they're stuck in my throat. it won't recover. yet, it won't heal. the feeling of being hot cold hot cold. sIck = sUck.

i'm sick of the pills, the towel, the liquid. and it had to come a NEEDLE. my fever didn't went down, my mum was totally worried. i was scared. went to the doctor. needa take BLOOD TEST. it was sick. pure sick. i was afraid of injection. what's more blood test. needle poking in, then sucking your blood out. thinking of it makes me scared already. so i still went. i saw the doctor squeezing my blood out, i felt like puking. i told myself to hand in there. and it was over.

slept after i came back. there's another appointment in the night. woke up and took PILLS again. went down to the clinic. checked. no dengue. phew. that was one step nearer to recovering. BUT, they had to add on "if the fever don't subside, you would have to take another blood test." OMG. i was freaked out. i knew the torture wasn't going to end. i don't mind dying, however, i don't mind living on too. but i don't wanna be in the middle of no where. i felt so lost. it wasn't going to end... ...

i feel so lost. yet tired. i had no more energy to think. my marks, am i suppose to be sad or happy? well.. it sucks. my brain cells are dying. and i need a sleep now. but i'm scared...  ¶ 9:26 PM 0 Comments

  camping lalala~ i'm back. finally. 4 days 3 nights. it was nice. very. i love it alot. the people there. they are nice. and i just realised that the rest of the classes knew more things then what sports class people know. actually, we are just living in our own world, our own circumstances. open your hearts to others, you'll love and be loved in return. they aren't as bad as others said. well, i felt loved. nice. =)

we played night games. scared yet i feel secure. i know there are people there for me. it's a nice feeling. went stations over stations. HAHA. cracking our brains. thinking of how to link the clues up. we did it, and i guessed ours was the closest? mini amazing race. went all over tenah merah and sembang bedok. dared us to do many things. PAU. it's gonna make me stay away from it till i get that awful feeling away. finished the race. 4th in place. stayed in the theatrette. slept for hours. then EATING time. haha, no more pau, phew. movie was nice. scary movie three. made my night. i fell dead on my bed. woke up late. no one woke me up. zZz.

day two passed kinda fast. FAST. no water games. just land games. lol. marbles. marbles and more marbles. wasted alot of time at a station. argh. rained alot. yeah. amazing race. 6 hrs. wow. went all over singapore. gerald is nice. =) long story. okay, went back at 5+. 4th group, AGAIN. the sun was blazing. it was hot. SUPER DUPER hot. okay, i'm getting sick. went back to bunk. my whole face was burning. it was hot. my eye balls, they were getting red. slept at 5.30 i think. bad headache. my brain like moving. i think my temperature has reached 40. i think. it was really hot. i could hear the activites going on vaguely. hui min came up. she was dead worried. justin was there too. i cried. i ain't sure if it was the cause of my high temperature or it was me. i was touched; yet sorry. really touched by her. she was so caring and thoughtful. crystal sponge me. i just kept crying. my eyes became even redder. i was really very uncomfortable. i really hate myself then. it's always me that gotta be taken care of. the feeling is like shit. i don't like to be a burden. i wanna join the rest. in their fun. i don't want them to worry. but i guessed.. it din't work..

i woke up when they came up to take plates. steamboat, finale night, i'm gonna missed it all. i felt bad, i haven't been helping the team get marbles since the amazing race. went to the toilet. saw jo. think she never realised i was sick. went back to sleep. heard sok shin and chin meng talking through the microphone. i fell asleep again. hui min and boon kai came up with chicken porridge. she fed me. 2 spoon, i had no more appetite. my eyelid were super heavy. they told me to slp. 12am. they rest came back. wondered what they did. i woke up. i din't feel hot anymore. they touched me. they were shocked, as if something bad has happened. they called huimin. i din't know why. i just went back to slp. huimin was dead worried. i was okay. i felt better. serious. but when boon kai took my temperature. 38.99 OMG. i din't know it was so high. they started sponging me. boonkai, crystal, tabby, graci, li ting, and more. i can't rmb.

they were so afraid. called miss koh. went counselling room to slp. everyone was preparing my "bed". they wanted me to slp, but they kept staring. i felt awkward. Graci spent her night with me. sacrifice her movies, and her slp. thankyou. took my temperature. 38.68 good improvement. miss koh gave me food. nicole and hui yi too. chatted awhile. huimin came, she and melissa sponged me while graci rested. 7am, mum came. brought me home. went to the doctor. 38.7 no more bbq. awww.. okay, i'm stil burning like siao. had a cold bath. felt better. but after 15 mins, it went back hot. argh. not going school tmr. results? damn. it's okay.

well well.. thankyou all. those that helped me when i can't even take care of myself. thankyou thankyou thankyou !! =))   ¶ 7:17 PM 0 Comments

  laal i wanted to blog. but my brother wanna use. i'm sorry. blog soon. after the camp. =) sorry and i enjoyed the FIRST part of today alot! =) played alot of games, just PURE fun. thanks ruben anyway. He actually went BACK all the way to help me take my bag!! =) anyway, sorry louisa. you're the only one who cared anyway. <33 actually, there isn't much to post anyway already. the day has gone and it's no use writing it over again. But this will always remain in my heart for it's a day i love so much. we played, we laughed, we enjoyed, we cheered, we eat, we went back. It was so much of relaxation!! =)) i guessed i truly enjoyed myself that day. =) the beach was nice. it was windy, then dark. me jo licia leeying. in the sea. water all over. splash splash splash. nat the camera woman. post 1-10. so much of a memory. i love it so much. the wind, our imagination. our laughters. our smily faces. the games. the mummy. the worms. the eggs. the pyrmids. the soap. the cards. the strings. the water bags. the bathrooms. the shower. the track. the grass patch. the pavilion.the CUTS. =X me, jo and bk. all injured. aww.. but it's worth while. coz the fun drowned the pain. so i truly enjoyed yesterday.

today. a new day. don't really look forward to it. but i guessed i'll go with an open heart. it may turn out fine too. =) just don't miss me too much. and my posts =) haha. ciaos.  ¶ 9:37 PM 0 Comments

  English papers. it's dumb. stupidest paper i ever have. i think there's no use complaning. nothing we can do. papers after papers. what a life. never bring back home ec book. i'm smart. it's okay. i'm always like that. SEE ME FAIL SUCKERS! gloat, laugh, mock, jeer. whatever i don't care anymore. I feel like caring yet, there's really nth i could do. i can predict what'll happen somehow.

Go school tmr. Panic panic panic. take the paper. don't know how to do. write crap. after that COMPLAIN how hard the paper is. then HACK CARE!! see. it's a cycle. always like that. like who will go home and mourn. "ahh.. i don't know how to do alot of qns.. die liao.." ='( like no one? coz no one will be bothered! who gives a damn about exams?! freaking waste of my precious time. no study. get back results. cry. sad. whatever. but after that, does it even help me in improving my character? NO. I still do the things i used to do. I still am the same old me. i wanna change, yet, there's something called temptation. i think it's a life cycle. and this causes my life to suck so much. no use complaining anyway. what can i do.

went home early. here using com. i think it's dumb. but no book. what can i do. FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wonderful. i'm so excited for tmr. not the exams. the time after that. =)) wonder which will i choose. so many places, with so many other ppl. my final choice? hahha. stop playing a fool with me. no use.  ¶ 11:23 AM 0 Comments

  HUH. This is what i call playing a FOOL of me. playing with my feelings? with my life? with me? Haha, i knew sth like that would happen. So I'm expecting the expected. Maths was okay. Still rememeber flustering before the paper. how dumb after thinking back. lost like 25 marks for section B alone already. ='( Somehow i feel sad, yet, i don't feel. Don't know what's got into me. I wanna shut myself up. But somehow, it still respond to the surrounding. HA. looks like i still can't let go of things.
those that once caught my attention. those that once made me happy. those that once were with me. those that i loved alot. i still feel ALOT for them. However, after so much dissapointment, i've learnt not to placed too much hopes upon them for the fall will be greater. It seems cool to drift. But I'm tired to hang on in mid air. The sun, the wind, the rain. All onto me. I've no shelter. No one to turn to. I'm still longing for a good support. I'm still waiting for an aeroplane to take me from the sky to somewhere safe and comfortable. These sounds so unreal. But i still yearn for it. I still wait for this day where the aeroplane will bring me to somewhere far far away. I want a fairytale of my own, i don't wanna live in other's world, i want a world of my own.


Went Parkway after math. Me. Josephine. Louisa. Alicia. Leeying. Ate lunch. Then went to MPH. Read alot of books. RED rubber ball <3 Quite motivational. left at 1245. still so early. Went to shops after shops. No idea where we were heading to. Just walk and walk and walk. Nice. went to playground after that. monkey bars!! still i can't swing on it, i climb on top of it! =) haha, got myself stuck above in the end. Played and played. Louisa swinging and turning. lol. can't even beat the two p5 girls. hahaha. Library-OMG. total disgrace. was listening to the mp3. full blast. reading the book then saw a sentence. wanted to share it with the rest. and due to the high volume, i practically can't hear myself and i shouted out "m_______ is healthy" wtf?! lol. so embarrassing, but funny. haha. laughed like alot alot. haha. after that wanted to walk louisa home. but when reached my block, the mood went away. suddenly just wanna go home. sorry louisa.
okay, i'm tired. still waiting for 730 to come. watching my favourite show . haha, forgot the title. but it's sth nice can liao. can't wait man, so long never watch liao. lol. okay, ciaos and God bless. it's english tmr. all the best! =)
  ¶ 6:24 PM 0 Comments

  FUCK. I can't take it anymore!! i just wanna shout out. the pressure. the exams. everything around me. me. WHY can't all these stop?! it's freaking hell tiring. i thought a slp for me would be good enought to forget everything. EVERYTHING. but it din't even work. FUCK man, i'm disappointed with everything around me. yet i can't express it out. i seemed to be like someone who's fucking hell acting. inside me, i feel so ruin, torn and tattered, yet when i'm with my friends, i just seemed to be able to forget those hurts for a moment. you know what i feel about myself? i just feel like a real loser. one who acts. it's just a happy face i put. what's deep within, is just a mystery. i'm a loser that fails to do anything. just everything. i really hate it. i really wanna express myself out. all that are preventing me from moving onwards. but i just feel so lousy inside me. i wanna throw my troubles out. but it just don't seemed the right time to. i don't even know what the hell is fucking wrong with me. there's a burden inside me. a heavy one. yet i can't find anything to cure it. nothing i do can actually help me. friends are like my temporary medicine. they help me for awhile. but after that, it's still the me i needa overcome. i don't even understand what's going on here in my heart. it seemed so confused. so messed up without a healer. so lost without an owner. this hear t belongs to me. i brought the hurts and loneliness upon it. yet, when i think of them, i just wanna push all the responsibility away. i need just that cure. something that will bring me back to my senses. i've been left in the pit hole for so long that now, even the word "light" doesn't even exist in myself. what's that to me? a goal? a destination to work for? RUBBISH. nothing of that sort. i've been kept here too long. i don't mind here anymore. BUT just that sth keeps telling me to fight on. carry on. i get so frustrated. what is with my brain and heart? one ask me to remain, the other ask me to go on. who do i listen to? this is probably what's really stopping me. i wanna go on. i don't like my current situaytion. yet, everytime i just don't see the purpose of carrying on. it's me, myself and i that i needa conquer. no one else can help me. i needa stand up once again on my feet. i wanna be the old me. these are what i desire. but it just seemed like such a far away dream. it seemed so unrealistic that sometimes thinking of it makes me laugh at myself. i feel so inferior yet i don't know what is keeping me away from all good things. i seemed to have it, yet it seemed to be fading away. everything is screwed up. i wanna study hard. in me, there's still a sense of urgency i can tell. yet, it's always overwhelmed by the frustration, the anger, the stress within me. seeing pages and pages, words over words, memorising formulas over formulas. it just irks me off. recaping my days when i was in primary sch. all was going just so well. i seemed to cope well, study well, score well. now? it's messed up. i really don't know myself. how m i gonna conquer? i'll just lose the battle. i seemed to be joking sometimes of my situation i'm in. but all the words they came out. i meant it. i really feel so lost. so aimless. WHERE am i going to? WHAT direction should i go? WHY am i taking this route? WHO am i gonna meet soon? HOW am i gonna walk it? it's just so many so many qns that's going in my head. just so many more. I REALLY don't know what's the hell wrong with me. when i'm alone, i began to think. i began to realised that i'm not moving. i'm still in my CURRENT situation. somehow, i just don't wanna go on. but on the other hand, there's still something that ask me go on... people offered listening ears, offered advices. it's nice to hear them sometimes. but i don't know why am i running away and avoiding those who really gives me good advices. i want advices, listening ears, yet, when i have it, i keep running away from it. i don't know what's in me. It's fear i guessed. sometimes, i really wanna tell the person how i feel and probably they could help me. but everytime, i just stop. and lie that i'm okay. i just don' feel right bringing others down to my level. they could have moved on. but stopped for me? i don't want that.
mixed feelings. i don't wanna overcome it. it's the pain i feel. it's the pain i can't express. it's the sorrow that i never want. but things JUST aren't to my control. i needa study. but no shit just get into my brain. is it filled with too many things? or just that i have a smaller brain? i tend to hate those people who do better than me even when i study harder. i don't know why. i also tend to hate those people that i once won, and that they're winning me now. JEALOUSY overwhelmed. not hate, but frustration? that's me. it's perhaps too the motivation that keeps me wanting to study hard, doing well and getting better results. math is tmr. yet once i open the book. it shuts me off. i'll study. i don't wanna regret. Jovan just reminded me that i still had my 70% goal. somehow it don't seemed that important now, but i'm still working for it.

For this in me, no one can help. it's just a shout out. don't needa bother. ciaos.  ¶ 4:44 PM 0 Comments

  hee. RETARDED. i screwed literature and chinese. and preparing to screw maths too. join me anyone? (:
boohoo.. i was still so confident of it when i pass up the lit paper!! >=/ then when checking the ans after i hand up then realised i wrote OUT OF POINT! shit man. 25 marks. fly away. zZz. then the other 2 parts is like CAN'T confirm get full marks one. screwed up. !!!!! fail lit. sounds dumb. but that's me. ARGH. share my sorrow anyone? x)
chinese was far worst! din't manage to finish lar. was looking at cihui. and her speed she was doing. thought she would finish it. so i followed her pace. lol. i wasted so much time!! argh. din't manage to finish?! 20 marks. SCREW EXAMS. totally.
okay. no use saying so much. just TRY your best. RUBBISH. stupid phrase. like who cares?! dam it. =/ i try to get full marks. LOL. anyone EVER get? the number of ppl getting full marks is like the chance of getting struck by lightning? so little. no use. TRY
okay. it's getting worst. i came back early. not wasting my time anymore. =) study maths. and TRY to get full marks. like who on earth don't wana do well in exams?! stupid. if there's one like that, you don't belong to planet earth. lol. everyone wanna do well lar please. it's not our fault that we din't score well. we did all we could. the rest is not on to us. GET A LIFE. and STOP blaming.  ¶ 11:34 AM 0 Comments

  OKAY am i suppose to be affected by it.
am i am i am i?
i am so confused.
exams periods.
these are happening again.
FUCK THESE.
can they just get out of my life.
i'm sick and tired of these.
just shutting myself up.
i don't care anymore.
there's no use.
i'm just bringing unwanted troubles to myself.
why ask for hell when heaven is infront?
this is so confusing.
i want a reply.
a GOOD one.
so sick and tired of things that have been happening and still happening.
insult me.
for all you want.
coz i know it's not true.
all that are from your mouth.
you're just someone that act according to the benifits.
so don't tell me that i'm a bitch.
you're none better.
just shut up and stop bothering me.  ¶ 1:22 PM 0 Comments

  LOLS. Haha. i'm getting bored already. no mood to study anymore. lit on monday. no notes. gonna FAIL it. well, on second thoughts, i don't wanna. but there's like 0% chance of passing? Ha.
DARN it. happy mood. FUCK him. does he have to do that. i'm sorry i've lost the mood.  ¶ 10:20 PM 0 Comments

  HAHA. i bet you guys miss my stories. you guys miss me? =) hahaha. so long never blog le.. my precious stories. so much to say. but i've got like no time to write. so this is like gonna compensate my so so so long time of not writing. =)) i din't know so many things have been happening. and it's so fast it's happening. i just can't keep up with the pace of it. what's wrong with them? is it them or is it just me? i don't know. someone enlighten me?
hmm.. yesterday, geog exam. was quite easy coz mr tan gave us hints and tips so we like know what to study on. I was freaking hell afraid. coz when mr tan told us that time i don't even know a single shit he's saying about. so the day b4 when wenjia house to study with louisa. hmm. quite nice. studied and memorise alot. HA HA, they were kinda pissed coz i keep asking them so many qns about volcanoes? lol. it came out okay! =)) studied till quite late. louisa's dad drove us back.
geog was kinda easy. thinks that maybe the school made it easier for us so that it can pull our mid year geog up. so confident. but not for the map thingy. flunk that whole section. but wells, there's always others. =X so i wanted to go wenjia house to study again. this time with louisa brenda and pandora. but din't turn out okay. oh wells. so i went with jo to bk with the guys. so many boys lar. DIAO. okay. no shopping, ate already then go home. so after that went my hse take science notes then went jo's hse to study. alumni from ahs? weirdo. din't wanted to carry on the conversation with him. took bus 10. motion sickness. zZz. what a good time. went to slp for like 1hr 15 min. finally. but to my horror, my headache was gone but my sore eyes came back!! =(( haha, put jo's eyedrop. w00ts, magic, recovered in 15mins time. okay. so i was hungry. went siglap mac. LOL. 2nd buger of the day. i'm getting fat.. =x studied and crap. actually not much go in. things were filling my mind. i just can't concentrate. exams period. this is so so the time. ALL SHALL PERISHED!! wahaha.. talked to jo. still came up with that conclusion that she has been telling me. all will go when you're in trouble. lol, can't believe it. it's happening to me. look out for the correct one. i'm not a single bit experience. just gotta know that it's me i'm gonna trust no matter what. anyway, thanks jo. =) for coming in when all went out. for bringing light when all was dark. for adding laughter and joy when all that filled me was sorrows and hurt. loveyou.
so she's gonna be the one by me when all are leaving me. for whatever-so reasons. DUMB. felted so loved by her. when i told her that. she just replied it with a "i'll be here". short but it's just at the time when i need it! thinks that she can really understands me and really think what i'm thinking sometimes. =) <3
Studied till like 8 plus then went home. yupp. bus 10. and i changed bus. no guts to walk that long and DARK road alone in the night. haha. reached home 9 plus. decided to pia. finished studying at er 11.30. tired. fell dead on the bed. woke up at 5.15. FORCED myself to. can't believe i managed to. i'm so gonna slp until like so late tonight to replenish my beauty slp. >.<
science test was okay. minus like 20 marks. but still ensures an A1 if i make no more careless mistakes. Hope i can do well lar. zZz. haven't been getting A for it for so long. =( today was a fun day. 6 of us, jo , brenda and nae nae went to Kfc to eat. crap like ALOT. play like ALOT. and eat like ALOT. crazy. it isn't the end of exams, but we act like it's all over. hah. nice anyway. =) then me, louisa, jo went to the void deck to play. PLAY. nice word. police will soon arrest me. >.< draw all over the black book. so nice. =)) table so messy. and i was dumb. left my TWO hand prints on the wall. zZz. just realised that's kinda dumb after they said. haha. had alot of fun that's all. FUN. <33
okay, i've written alot. should stop here. =) God bless and have a fruitful day! =))
  ¶ 9:37 PM 0 Comments

  OMG. retarded. BLOG has been spoilt. okay, this is dumb. see this ruin thing makes me don't wanna post. But okay, for the sake of my blog. i shall post. my blog is dying!! argh. someone save it? (:
I'm left with 5 days. WOW. time is like running so low. I still haven't brush up on my maths!! and i don't wanna fail english and get kick out!! Sometimes, i really hate myself for not even trying to feel the urge that exams are coming. But i just can't do anything. I plan my time so well, but i don't go bide it. I study for a while, and i'm back onto the com. What a life. Don't want to regret, but i guessed.. okay, so who cares if i study now? everyone is like so busy with their own revisions that they don't bother if you ve done your part. probably they'll be happier to see you not studying. for they can just pass and see you fail. what's with this world. I just don't wanna accept the fact that it's this world i am living in and it's this world i'm facing. just wanna shut down and give no dam about things going around me. Why bother to study? Do teachers care? They just teach for the sake of money. HAHA. i'm not suppose to post about them. or i'll get fined and go jail? SHIT THEM.
i WANNA STUDY. but seeing words make me wanna sleep. i feel stress when i KNOW that ppl around me are studying like f___. but i just get tensed up and when i settle down to study, the mood just fade away. This is so so cool? like wth? where's my mood to studY?! i think i needa go for some sort of counselling? i seriously feel the urge. and i think that i wanna study. but sth just so amiss. i feel my heart beating. i feel my blood pumping. BUT. there's just sth missing.
i study so hard and everytime when i finished a chapter, i just have the fear of not knowing anything. i am just so afraid that whatever i've studied have not gone into my brain, and that i may even not know what am i studying all these while. This is the fear that has been in me since 12 days ago. but i just don't know how to tackle it.
so lost plus lost gives me? lousy attitude towards studying? think so. i wanna find a good way and fast way to study. like what he said, study smart but don't study hard. you think you are doing fine by memorising and memorising? but actually at the end of it, the worst thing to realised is that you don't even rmb anything. i don't want that to happen. follow his way. study smart, not hard. =) ciaos.  ¶ 5:00 PM 0 Comments