... Yes. It's back together again. =) That's something worth smiling for? Yea, I'm real happy. Kept smiling to myself as I thought of what happened today and yesterday. =) So, we are back again!! OH MY!! i'm retarded. But it's just sign of happiness? Everyone is happy again. It's so cool. We just started to sit together and crap. Rainbow came out? =) yea, although still got drizzle here and there. passing clouds, but it'll soon be over. i know. but.. the storm is coming again. Life is just like that. Not gonna let me go. oops. forgot, not gonna let this affect me.
Yupps, took alot of pictures. today and yesterday. Crap like last time. =)) Love them all!! <3333333> Went east point. don't know do what, but still enjoy. =) we went TOGETHER =) so bought a clique bottle? haha, gonna use it soon. miss jo. don't worry, i no les. haha. lessons so boring without her, recess so lonely without her. boo. take care and get well soon jo! =D so we bullied brenda again. =) so poor thing, no one helped her. den she came to me and wenjia.haha. last period ryan and raymond joker. made us laugh like mad. thanks =) they were scaring brenda out of her wits. and you know that brenda.. lol. okay, actually, there's just so much to write. but i guessed no one so crazy to actually read what happens to me right? haha. i'll take the main points. and this is so far what i gotta write. sorry for poor writing. i'm still improving on my compostion.

i'm afraid no more. coz of you guys. =)
  ¶ 7:34 PM 0 Comments

  okay.. There's like so nothing to post about now..? I've lost the mood in everything. Coz whatever i do, it just always fail. I had enough of failures. And i tell you this sucks. Watched service online, but does it affect me? Not at all. Last time, i will have a new vision or what so ever, now, it's just like another lesson taught. So I aren't really that on fire anymore. I go if others go. I have no stand of my own. Who cares? What's the use of having your own stand and it don't even help you much? I just need someone i could rely on. Just that special someone. But it just seemed that I'm in a pit hole and i am still longing to see light at the end of the tunnel. I can't bring myself up anymore. This setback is HUGE. My friends. they're gone. I have no one to rely on to give me the strength. I don't just wanna talk. I want that person to support me. Give me all i need. Like what's the use of talking and telling one your problems? They give advices, but what i need isn't that. I need the strength, the will the power to carry on. I need to know there's someone that will go and lead me through this darkess times. But now there's no one, what's more a someone. All have their own problems, and it seems like others don't matter about you anymore. Sometimes, i really feel like just telling all my sorrows out, but others have theirs already, would they care about mine? would they be bothered by mine? I'm just talking to myself. Where's all the close friends that were with me in my time of need? Am i really that deep in the pit hole that it is all darkess and fear around that i can't even sense a single tiny winy bit of love?! Like what Jo said, in hard times, all run away, leaving you alone. but Jo, I think i need you to go through with me this like last time. I want you to. But will you? Where were the times when we go through hardships, fun moments? Have it all been drowned by the sorrow and hatred of this unloving world? I know you feel very lousy now, but you, you helped me. You give me the strength, the will and the power to go on and fight in life. You encourage me, always there for me. So can i get this back again?
My clique. This isn't much i wanna wish for to get back together anymore. There is no trust. You guys are at fault. So, is that their problem? You should know that they have changed, and i think you all should accept it. But you guys don't want, i don't want it too. 2 hands to clap. if i keep wanting to reconcile, but you guys don't want, i'll just be bringing more sorrows to myself. I just wanna be happy and enjoy time with the remaining fews. Where were the people that knows how to cheer me up when i'm feeling so down, so inferior? So they're all again too busy with their own problems? I can't even help them now. I feel so sucky inside me. We don't share problems with each other anymore. We don't divide burden anymore. We don't multipy joy anymore.

I am STILL waiting for the day when i see the light. `  ¶ 8:08 AM 0 Comments

  okay.. what does this actually means? 3-3
They don't mind. So the clique is gonna split anyway. What's hell wrong with them? Can't we just go back to the past normal happy self? This sucks ALOT. We are like suffering here and you guys are there enjoying yourselves? We want us to go back together. We make the effort to join in you guys. WE even suggested to go down recess as a GROUP, but what always happen? 3-3, split talks. We looked united, but deep within us is just disbelieve and 0% trust within each other. What actually happen? I tried talking to them, only louisa cared about me. She bothers to listen. The rest? SUCK. I tried breaking the ice whenever we are together. but the other 3 just keep tiao-ing me. like wtf? I'm like that. You guys should know me. So what's the fucking problem if i say lame jokes? SO WHAT?! Okay, so you guys don't mind if we split. You know what? the 3 of us wants very much to get back together again. BUT you guys don't even give a damn. Now i'm just sick of helping. You guys fought, but i wasn't freaking hell there! So whatever i say is just like one-sided. Even if i hear from both of them. It's the same story. But they're angry at both different matters. And neither of you guys wanna apologise. So two of you guys are angry with two of them. and 2 of them are okay with two of you. can you all just put your prides away and just say sorry to each other?! Each of you guys is at fault! Okay, since you guys don't mind that we split. I think we are gonna split. So this is what you guys wanted all the while?! FUCK lar, i mean is our friendship really that weak that we can't even go through this together. There bound to be quarrels in the clique. But that's what that makes a clique stronger and more united. You wanna carry on not talking to each other? FINE.
So now this is what i've been living for? quarrels after quarrels? I can't even talk to Jo like i used to share my problems with her. I can't even find anyone to talk to and really say out all i wanted at that moment. Others may offer listening ears, but is like that's so long after what happens?! Like saying it can help?! I really miss the days filled with laughter and joy. Sadness and tears ; but at least there's someone there for me? So I can't even bring my clique back after talking so much. I am useless i finally see. This is gonna be the end of me?

Jo: we did not forget about the swimming i promise. But that day alot of things clashes for you ; Council, Foreign student ; expo. And i'm just afraid that asking you about the swimming will add to your stress. I'm sorry.  ¶ 8:20 AM 0 Comments

  THIS SUCKS ='( Everything is starting to sucks now. EVERYTHING. I start to lose control of everything. But do anyone care? THIS SUCKS. I want my clique back, UNITED. BOOHOO! What is happening to me? I'm settling down. Quite stable ; and these things have to come again?! Can someone tell me what's wrong? Is it the way i live my life?! I never seem to enjoy life since i came into AHS, or rather, once i became more on fire for God. What's the use of being so on fire, and nth good comes? Only more obstacles after another?! Read my post, since June okay!! So since when in trusting God help? NO. It becomes worst. Well. all was going on quite well. My two bestest sisters. And then all of the sudden, *KABOOM* what's becoming of them? DAMMIT lar, one just have that hack care attitude and the other is becoming like so vulgar? AND nothing i say actually goes into their damn brain? Am i wasting my time on something that is useless..? NO, i always tell myself that no matter what happens, i grew spiritually with these 2 sisters. and now they're falling, i gotta help them up! BUT what always happens? They just don't care about me?! You know i feel really very hopeless when these 2 sisters that have been growing with me, suddenly fall and i can't do anything to save them?!
Just tell me what to do lar?! I've reached my limit. REACHED. It has been enough! Do you know how tough it is to fight on my own?! I can't share beautiful experiences with God to them anymore. i can't tell them my sorrows or my joy anymore. They just don't give a damn. things just happened too fast. too fast. that i've no metal prepare. It really hurts to see them like that. AND i can't hang on anymore! Me ; alone, struggling each day. Trying to help them and trying not to nelgect my clique? This is so so STUPID. There's a thing called time. But there isn't a thing called spilting yourself to 2 pieces FULLY. Yar, tell me what m i gonna do? Everytime there is bs or cg, i looked forward to it. YEs, each morning, prepared. But when i reached school, and reached the end of lessons, i always have this fear of hearing "let's pon it today" or "i don't feel like going today". I wanna go, but seeing them like that, makes me don't have the mood to go anymore. They seemed to be happy with others, just not me. OH wells, maybe i'm just not that friend. fuck it. i hate my life? HATE IT TO THE CORE. BUT NO ONE CARES!! ='( NO ONE FUCKING HELL CARE!! FUCK LAR, what's wrong?!
I really think i need them to help me. They're like my motivation. They keep me going on. but now that they're gone. i don't know how am i gonna move on spiritually. i see them grow, yet see them fall. IT HURTS ME SO MUCH. i tried talking to her. but what she thinks is that i'm preaching?! LIKE NO!? I'm talking to you as a friend, and i'm concerned about you! BUT does she cares? LIKE HELL NO? Now i can't talk to her? But what? leave her like that? No way lar. you see, i wanna help, but she don't even give me the chance to. I feeling so lost okay. The other one just keep quiet when i wanna talk to her. She doesn't wanna share thing with me anymore. okay, i agree that i'm a failure. LIKE SO WHAT?! IF you* think i'm a loser or sth, yes, i agree i am, but i'm not gonna change just to have a better image infront of you*. GET LOST SUCKER. I'm getting so influenced. There's hatred in me ; there's evil thoughts in me. and i'm starting to get vulgar.. like so? who cares. no one is here for me anymore. no one is here to encourage me anymore. say God? what can He help?! Refill my tears so that i can cry more?!
Just losing control. Things have been so bad so bad that now even i don't have someone i can confide to? I have really really alot alot to say out. but no one seemed to care. things have become from bad to worst. at least i had my clique, and the 2 sisters last time. now, all gone. my clique is in a total mess and the 2 sisters are drifting away from me. my life in cg and church is no longer good. and school work are not getting any better.
LIFE JUST SUCKS SO MUCH NOW. I'm gonna give up if they're gonna give up too. I mean like why am i working so hard for when they don't even care?? Why am i like talking to them, consoling them when they don't even appreciate?! I GIVE UP. BYE GOD, i'm leaving you until i find my life again. And until the devil stop making things so difficult for me. AND until my 2 sisters get back.

I'm waiting for the day where we could laugh and play again.`  ¶ 6:56 PM 0 Comments

  3rd tear of the day Was deep in thoughts, very. thinking of how my life would be without her. Why don't others feel the pain and sorrow that she's gonna leave us? Why are they still enjoying and laughing away when the others are weeping and moaning for her? I HATE this. Thinking, it was english, stupid lesson. Good time for thinking, just don't care about mrs koh and her boring english lessons. so i was deep in thoughts and she asked us to do her worksheet. yar, i knew i could not concentrate, my mind was drifting, drifting far far away. Left the paper on my table. Stared into blank space. Dropped like practically all my stationaries, dumb table.
my dumb knee broke down at the wrong moment. Argh, perfect timing yea? STUPID. bending down to take the glue, and my knee got the pressure. Pain, but i kept calm, for the first time of the day, i called out to alicia. Oh my, was really pain. Broke into cold sweat and i start to tremble. She was by my side. (: I was touched, how i wished she was going to be with me always. I really want her to stay. 3rd tear flowed down as i was touched by the concern she gave me. I felt hopeless.
DUMB. they called the ambulance. and stupid teachers thought that i was like a 3-year old kid? LYING to me. DUMB, hate liers. I din't wanted the ambulance to come ; bad experience. but things just don't wanna go my way. Wanted alicia to come with me. VERY MUCH wanted. but that mr tan.. forget it. Pandora was with me. <3 But what can you expect from teachers? Especially teachers like HIM? Asked pandora to go back after my check up, despite both of us pleading him to let her stay. DUMB teacher. Dislike him like so much today. ARgh, so it was left with me and my mother. I was left under observation. Waste of time ; what could happen when i was lying down and not doing anything. okay, so i slept until like the observation was over? Both knees just suck lar. Doctor advice me not to play sports. Get out of sports class ; give up badminton?! NO WAY.
Whatever, enough of ranting. Today just suck too much? But at least Xiwen darling was there for me. (: thanks. Today would be much much worst if wasn't for her by my side. LOVE HER !! =))
  ¶ 1:37 PM 0 Comments

  Alicia.. I don't want her to leave me. Never ever want her to leave me. Although there are bad times with her, at least we went past through it, and because of it, our friendship became more and more valuble.
Now, i heard that she's leaviing, first tear drop came flowing down my heart. IT aches, really. To see her go, after all that we've gone through together. 8 months of laughter and tears, it's gonna go away from me forever. At first, we all thought she was just casual talking, but it was today, that i found out it was not. and it was today, that hurt me the most. Alicia... my buddy, one that has been always with me. Crapping, joking, sharing her problems, listening to my sorrows. Gone ; will be. Why? What's wrong with my life? The friend I'm close to IS gonna leave me. And I can't do anything.
Seeing her smile, and trying to make me happy again, the 2nd tear came flowing down.. She's so selfless ; i know she is sad to leave us too. But she still had to put on a brave front so as not to affect us. I really feel sad for her, and all that's around her. She did brought joy to us. US. and all of US would never want her to leave ahs. But what can we do? Make her happy for the 2 months, yes, we will do.
THE PROBLEM IS: i don't wanna enjoy time with her for this 2 months!! i wanna enjoy time with her EVERYDAY of my life, every breathe that i take, every step that i make. I don't wan her to leave us so soon. 3 years more to go. and i want her in my life of these years..  ¶ 1:20 PM 0 Comments

  CEDAR GIRLS!! <33 OMG!! Cedar girls rocks lar!! Made so much friends with them!! Hee.. First game was tensed up. VERY. Sue-ean played 1st singles, Me 2nd singles, and Chi koong 3rd singles. So very well, 3 of us went to play at the same time. SO stressed up, both of them had played b4, but me, first time.. zZz.. Okay, so it wasn't that bad afterall, played the 1st set, won, 11-7. Quite dumb though, i was the last among the 3 to finish the 1st set. 2nd set: argh! lost. Debz keep dropping to me. and i can't pressure my knee too much. Then haha, i gave her rubbish balls, and there was a time when i saved a ball at the last minute, and she thought i missed it, so when it went over, she was so shocked that she use her hands and catch the shuttle cock. =)) haha, all of us laughed. Fun but big price, my knee was SERIOUSLY strained, breaking down, but had to go on. okay, well, when it was my match point, i totally flunked it. served the ball OUT. stupid mistake. duce then, and she won!! ARGH!! 11-13. Could have won. oh wells. haha, but i was still the last to finish the game among the 3. wahaha x) slow.
Oh yea, after all the STRESS and TENSED, came the happy and fun! =) Me and Sue-ean decided to make friends with the Cedar girls. So i cracked jokes to entertained them, acting retarded again. LOL. >.<>debra(my opponent), second was Xiwen darling!! (: third was stacey and fourth was Yvonne. WHEE. top 4 friends i made! Crapped my way through, and well, i guessed they were truly entertained. Acted les, and they thought i were. -.- diao!! haha, gulliblesss.. Then was the match with me and chi koong, the dwarf and giant! =) lost well, zZz, knee pain. VERY. wanted to walk over, haha, but NO. lost, 15-5. what a thrash!
Then was me and brenda!! <33 Laughed like shit lar!! Missed 2 balls, served 2 balls off court, smashed 2 balls into net. so it was 6 mistakes i made. DAM. But i smashed 5 balls correctly. or was it suppose to be correct? =X sorry Yvonne, hit her sensitive parts 5 times, laughed each time i hit. =X must have hurt yea? Sorry. Din't aimed, i PROMISED! hahaha, lucky the michelle jumped away when i smash at her direction, den hit the floor. or another victim! oh yar, so we won, 15-12. Nice game with lots of laughter! Mistake too many times, sorry brendaa!
The besst was with sue ean. Haha, thrashed them. =) 15-3, no laughter, but it only took like 10mins. lol. then sue-ean had to go back, wasted. OKay, so what's the conclusion? CEDAR AND AHS ROCKS THE UNIVERSE!! =)) All were tired, but all were sastified. Can't wait to see them on court one day, AGAIN. <33>

  ¶ 6:20 PM 0 Comments

  =) I'm smiling. =) HELLO EVERYBODY!! =)
I'm so happy!! I feel like smiling so much and laughing just for nothing!! In my heart, I'm just so happy!! =)) wahaha x) OKay, take a deep breathe, relax.. Let's begin my day with... TRAINING!! =)
Okay, first started off with running 15 rounds around the basketball court. wow, ZAI man. Was tiring but i did enjoy it. After i ran my rounds, i waited for the rest of the team members to finish, so i sat down on the bench and cool myself down. Hahaha, My whole leg was so tired due to not running after so long. Took a 10 mins break, by then most of the members finished.Whee~ I love running more and more!! After that was pushing kelly to run. Then kena dao =( But she still run after all, with me beside her. =)) So it wasn't that bad after all, and i was not tired at all lar. But her pace very small but at least she did her rounds. Yar, then was gym work. I was suppose to be serious. I was, at first. But after like a few items, we end up crapping. So cool. =) Louisa was there too. I miss her after so long!! Finally saw her and talk to her =)
After that went into hall to train. FINALLY. ARGH, bad part, but it never affect my day. Coach say my actions too big. =( I can't net properly. I am determine to train it well before the Cedar girls match. WAHAHA x) Just a few hours b4 the match, just get it alittle better. I WANNA WIN! and i wanna play singles! Haha, anyway, i don't mind playing doubles, but can my doubles partner work well with me? lol. okay, don't care, not for me to decide anyway. C0ach d0es all the desicion. hahaha.
WHATEVER~ I'm just happy. =) Love louisa more and more!! =) BRENDA AND PAN TOO! =)) TMR is gonna be better!! =))  ¶ 8:37 PM 0 Comments

  All things work for good HEEHEE =)) I feel so happy now!! I've decided not to be sad over matters anymore.. For I know what God does, there is a reason behind it! =)) and He never bring us harm. I may take a longer time than others to reached my destination but who cares? I've got God with me. =)
I've learnt to look at the bright side of things. OH MY, yesterday sermon has really shook me out! I am gonna leave my comfort zone, and go on the life God has planned for me. The devil may come, but God is my comforter. The devil will try to hijack the plane, and bring me to the wrong destination, but I'm sure my friends will warn me. Yar, when I'm sad, all right things also will turn wrong. So, try to control my emotions =) Hope i can see a happy me next time =)
I'm so lost for words now! So happy!! Oh yar, there's a match with cedar this friday.. Should I play? Hmmm, let the holy spirit be the pilot of my life!! don't understand? think again. ;)  ¶ 11:38 AM 0 Comments

  Stay your course, finish the race! Wooo, watched the service online. Felt God talking to me. Oh man!! HOW I WISHED I WAS IN THE SERVICE!! arghh.. haha, ppl reading my post, sorry, it may sound contradicting with what i said in the morning, coz just now the devil really got control of me. But God's word really shook me out of it. Thanks!!

I'm now gonna live the way I am suppose to live! =) Going to the destination God wants me to go! The devil wants to bring me to the wrong destination but NO, I'm gonna stand strong in God, guarding myself from the devil. It's impossible not to be offended but at least i will forgive.I believe that the person i forgive will change for the better. Yes. I expect a bumpy ride from now on, but my destination will not change! Whether i enjoy what I'm going through now, It's gonna help me in a way or another, it's not gonna harm me! All things work together for good. His plans are to prosper us! I will not let the devil decieve me that i have no future. It's the devil that has no future!

We must be in the pursue of our life purpose. There is a value in everything. Whatever God puts in me, it's gonna help me fufil my purpose! Don't stop when you fail, they are stepping stones to sucess. God's purpose never change! Only His plans changes! God tries to bring us comfort, we have to trust Him to bring us through times of difficulties! He will eventually bring us to our destination. Let the holy spirit be my pilot in my life.

Disappointment is never based on what you find, it's based on what you expected to find. Disappointment cause you to change your destination and end up in the wrong place! Plan well!

Disappointment > Resentment > Bitterness > Cynicism

Don't give up because you are disappointed! They will lead to negative thoughts, like what i have in the morning. They cause me to distrust people, and give up. They cause a bitterness in my life, and it overshadow the relationship i have with friends and family. It cause me to have a care-less attitude, i din't care of what was going to happen to me. All i knew was what has happened to me. This is when the devil comes, and add more bitter things to your life, tries to decieve you that everything is a lie. THat's not what we want!

After today, I'm really gonna stand up strong. Continue the race, finish strong in God!! Oh my, thanks torrance for watching the sermon with me and actually explaining to me more about it!! =) i feel great today!

GOD bless!
We love for He first loved us! `  ¶ 9:52 PM 0 Comments

  'Perservere and all will turn out good.' haix.. Am I to believe that all will turn out better for me? I just read all my past entries, and i realised that most of them, I'm ranting, and there is like VERY few which says about me being happy, me enjoying what so ever. What has really gone into me? My life is in a total mess. Nothing is going well for me. Studies, Friends, Badminton, Council, Pa, Church life. ALL IN A BIG MESS.

I really needa change or I'll be soon dead. Since all has been done, no use moaning over it, think of what i can do now, instead of what i should have done. I agree, I am consoling myself with this, but, who cares, at least better than blaming myself for what I've done. It's no use crying over spilt milk. I could say all these now because I'm in a better state of mind now, but if I was to be in that same old situation again, this will appear as rubbish to me. Something gotta do with mind? Yar..

Okay, very well, today is the last day I'm gonna use my blog for so long, coz the 1 week holiday is for me to brush up on my studies. I needa buck up. Yupps, many reasons to that. And well, it'll be far too long to type it all out. Many things for my studies? All subjects got no A1!! Art, so what if i get A1 for it? Like it will help me!? Nahz, other subjects is more practical. I am going for an A1!! And i will believe i can do it. The quality i reap is the quality i sow!! =D I hope even by then when the results come out not to my sastistaction, i won't cry over it, for i know i've done my part in studying, no regrets. =)

Friends. Nothing i could do now. I don't even know what to do to them. They aren't adding me to their click anymore. Told you it's in a mess.

Badminton. OK, now my knee has new injury, i can't do anything to help. But, I'm not gonna let myself hang there and deprove. I'm gonna do some hand work? And hope by the time i go back, i only have my arm to train. =)) I am gonna get into school team! All of us.

Council and Pa. This one, looks abit better? I tried to be immune to the treatment i get, and it turns out better. I'll work it out again. Don't really bother it.

Church life. That i gonna see my studies, for people who don't know, I'm gonna take a break from it. But does anyone even care. LOL, I think that I'm blogging all this for nothing. No one is ever concern about me. I'm all alone in this world.

I feel so unloved. Only by a few. Where has everyone gone to?! FUCK-UP LIFE i have.  ¶ 12:46 PM 0 Comments